Hurricane

Remember a few posts back, I said, "When it rains it pours" for my sister... Well, if that's the case, she's in a hurricane!!

Today I took the day off to go with her to court.  It was supposed to be her divorce court date.  However, that all changed on Thursday.

She got a call that Brian (her soon-to-be ex-)husband had fallen at work.  He works for a dry-wall company lifting sheet rock and other various construction things.  Apparently the fall was very bad.  He was unconscious for a few hours and now is in the hospital.  He has no feeling in his right leg, no strength and can't move his right hand and very little strength on his left side.  He is in a neck brace and chest brace.  They are not sure if he will ever regain feeling or movement completely.

Needless to say, I am not at court with Becky.

The worst part is what this is doing to Becky.  She doesn't even know what to feel right now.  She's just completely drained, she's at a loss of how to react, what to do and where to go from here.  She's been up at the hospital every day almost all day.  As much as she doesn't want to be married to him, she still cares about him and doesn't like to know he's lonely and suffering in the hospital.
Suffering he is!  He cried when I got there, in front of two of his "buddies".  If you know my brother in law, you know he is pretty much a bear.  He doesn't cry. 

He's scared out of his mind and probably should be.  They mentioned him being a quadriplegic at one point and he's terrified of that.  I think, in my non-medical opinion, that he will not be quite that bad but it does not look good.  He looks terrible.

I have so much I want to say to him.

I want him to know that just because this divorce is happening, he doesn't have to be a jerk.  He's holding on to the marriage, stating that he wants it to work, stating that he doesn't want to be divorced.  But really, he wasn't happy during the marriage.  He was not happy.  He didn't respect Becky, if he did, he would never have physically hurt her or verbally abused her either. He may love her (how can't you), but he doesn't and didn't respect her.  Her wants were not important enough to give her, if they were, she'd have had flowers all the time, she'd have had physical attention and affection.  Instead, they had a few good days, days where they didn't fight and argue.  I really think they argued more than 70% of the time in their marriage.  That is not happiness.  For either of them.
He didn't like the situation they were in; she chose the boys (the twins that she nanny's for)... she chose to have them live with them (and really, they have nothing without her, she didn't REALLY have a choice) but it bothered Brian.  He was not happy about that, and let Becky know about it all the time.

He didn't like when she'd make plans to be with our family, he'd be miserable most of the time.  He enjoyed being out drinking more than being at home with her and the family.

So really, WHY?  Why does he still want the marriage?  What is he holding onto?

I kept saying to Becky, "there is no script for divorce, you guys don't have to hate each other.  You don't even have to not see eachother or hang out together.  You shared 13 years of life together, you can still like each other.  You've just decided that marriage, living together, intimacy, and all the parts of marriage don't work for you."  I know Becky gets that, but I wish Brian would.

For Elizabeth's sake, I really pray they can figure something out... find someway to work together instead of against each other.  There's no reason there needs to be fighting now between them.  If their main goal is to be there and be good parents for Elizabeth, they need to come up with a plan for that and stick to it. 

I know he misses things now that he used to have, like my parents, me and Ryan.  But really, he doesn't have to give that up.  If he's a jerk to Becky and makes everything hard for her, then yes, he gives that up.  But if they work together and are amicable about all of this, then we're in too!  He is still Madison's uncle, he is going to be there when we're at Elizabeth's birthday parties, at her recitals, at dances, etc.  If they're speaking and working to make things positive for Elizabeth, then he wins.  He gets all of us with that.  If he's a jerk about it all, then he loses and so does Elizabeth.  I don't want that.  I just want him to realize that it doesn't have to be miserable.

Becky is not a bad person.  She's the most loving, kind, not-vindictive person alive.  She doesn't want to make things tougher on him.  She just wants to be able to provide for the kids and move on.  She deserves the fairy tale, she deserves to have someone enamored with her and be excited when she walks through the door at the end of the day.  She deserves complete happiness.  

And, even though Brian is in therapy and trying to get help, even if he did change and finally could be a great husband who recognizes the needs of his wife and does all he can to give to the wife what she needs... even if that does happen... it can't be with Becky.  You can not be with someone, physically and verbally abuse them... and then go back into the same relationship with them and not go back to those same behaviors.  It's why recovering addicts are encouraged to leave their former surroundings once they are recovered.  The old triggers are still going to be there.  She hasn't changed, and she will still do the things that ticked him off enough to hurt her.  (whatever they were, they didn't deserve that, but somehow it got to that point).  But he needs to realize, if he is getting better, it is for himself and to be a good husband to someone ELSE... not her.  He can be a good father and a great ex-husband to Becky... but that's where it's at.  And he can still be a good brother-in-law... if he wants.  I'm open to it and I pray that all of this happens daily.  I still love him, we've always had a funky relationship, but I do love him and I believe the potential is there, if he believes in himself and really wants it.

So, that's how I'm feeling about it all.  I pray that he gets help and I pray that he recovers and that God uses this whole experience to see just how much he DOES have in his life, even without Becky as his wife.  He's got it really good and he needs to wake up and see how important he is to people.  He doesn't have to lose anything if he chooses to accept the divorce and decides to try to make it work and try to make things easier on Becky and Elizabeth.  Elizabeth should be the one person who's happiness is calling the shots in this whole deal.  She told me this weekend that she's happiest when "mommy and daddy aren't fighting".  She is scared out of her mind about the fighting and the unknown that is her life right now. 

Madison says...

Some pretty funny things!! She's really picking up on a lot and she knows that she's funny!

It drives me nuts sometimes but makes me laugh at other times. Lately, she's saying "I need..." and I can't stand it! "I need milk"... umm, how about, I would like some milk please, or may I have some milk please? And she'll say "may I have some milk please" if prompted... But, she now knows that "I need" is not ok to say... so when she doesn't like something I say, she'll turn around and say, "I need!" just to spite me!!

Oh boy... she's only 2!!

The other night at dinner, we were saying grace, and usually she'll interrupt with, "Pray for Mark and Matthew and Elizabeth (her cousins)" and then she'll mention the cats or other people she knows... but this night, she closed her eyes really tight and said, "and for Bumpa, take the cancer from his body"... to which I immediately started to cry and made a poor attempt to cover it up... She got down from the table and Ryan got a tissue for me. I just feel like no 2 year old should ever have to pray that... but she does. And so we encourage it... and we do pray for the cancer leaves his body... and that his pain is gone too. I said to Ryan, "don't ever let me say that Maddie doesn't listen to us... because clearly she does."

Those are my Maddie stories.
I love her and I love watching her grow. I love being her mom and I love teaching her new things.

the weekend... recapped!

Well, Thursday's staff meeting went way better than I had hoped for. I did an activity I called "Buttons and Levers" and had them write down 5 things that push their buttons in relation to working in this position and 5 things that lift them up like levers. Then we talked about them and I asked them to be as specific as they could and then told them that if they were not going to talk about it right then, then they needed to let it go and not bring it up in the future.
Well, that basically unleashed the beasts!!
Some were in tears when they were called out for things, others were flabbergasted at the thought that they had offended another... all in all, even with four of them in tears, they all seemed to feel much better at the end; and so did I!

Then I had dinner with my girlfriends from High School after that at Bar Louis in Foxboro. So much fun. Heather is 3 months pregnant, so that was pretty much the talk of the night... very exciting for her!

Friday night we had the RDs over for a game night and played Taboo and I drank too much wine! (Not very shocking actually!)

Saturday, my Godparents took Madison for the night (with my three nephew and niece!-she's crazy!) and Ryan and I had a great time together. We went iceskating at Patriot Place, then shopped around and then saw the Blindside.
I have a lot to say about that movie...
I loved it. I cried from about 10 minutes in until the end. I think there need to be more people like Sandra Bullock's character in this world. I feel like at the core, I am a lot like her, but I don't have the means to do the things she does. But I want to.
Also, Tim McGraw did a phenomenal job acting, as I knew he would, but really, he's excellent in that movie.
I'll leave my comments at that, since I could really post a whole blog entry on it...

Sunday, I had a baby shower, and it happened to be in Peabody so the best part of the weekend was stopping at Sonic on the way home!! Ooooh Sonic!!

Last night we went to Matt and Teresa's house for dinner. They just moved in in December and its such a cute house. I'm so happy for them. Its funny, after Maddie was born, our best friends Mike and Trish moved to TN, so we didn't hang out at all. But there are a few of our friends (some who actually just moved even closer to us) that we don't hang out with at all and I think it's the child thing. People told us we'd lose friends once we had a child (we were the 1st to get married and first to have a child) and I didn't believe them, but its true. Matt and Teresa however; are awesome with Maddie. And she adores them right back! They always make us feel comfortable bringing Maddie along whenever we get together and I appreciate that so much!

On another note. I started a weight loss plan. I saw my doctor today for a routine exam and explained that these last 10 pounds are not coming off no matter how much I run or whatever I do... she suggested I add so weight training to my routine and pilates maybe.

So, at lunch with my coworkers I was mentioning that I have 10 pounds to lose and a friend suggested we do the fatbet.net challenge. Basically we have $10 wagered on who can lose 10 pounds by February 25th... Our other coworkers can actually log in and watch the progress etc. So fun!! But now I need to step it up. I usually get a latte in the afternoon and drink my coffee with coffeemate creamer, which will need to go. My runs will be a definite each morning instead of a maybe or an option!!

I really just want to feel good about the way I look and feel and as of right now, I don't.

Here's hoping.

Work

For my job, I supervise 7 college students as Resident Assistants. I'm a pretty easy going supervisor but I am clear with my expectations and I don't accept crap. I hate being micromanaged and so I tend to NOT micromanage anyone... but I feel that if I show you respect in your work, if I do all the things I need to get done for you to do your job, you'll do it and you wont half-*ss it...

This weekend was the first time I really had to be a firm supervisor with my staff. One of their requirements is to have their bulletin boards up, doortags hung on all the doors, their welcome banners hung and all of the signs around the building done by 5pm on Saturday. As they were stressing out on Thursday, I reminded them that they did not have training sessions on Saturday so they had all day Saturday to finish these things up.

Well, Sunday afternoon some were still working on things, rushing to get them done. I decided I would let it slide and wait to do my walkthru until 5pm Sunday. Thinking that only one board was not up yet (for an excusable reason) I went on my round. Four out of the seven boards were not up and three welcome signs were not hung. This after finding out that more than half of them went out drinking three of the past five nights.

Monday was not a good day, for any of them!

I called a mandatory meeting over lunch and let loose!! When I told them that it looked like they basically said, "Screw Amanda, she doesn't care" they were mortified. One almost cried and the rest apologized and felt terrible. And I can't deny that it made me feel a little good to see them feel that way, after the way they made me feel.

Four of them have scheduled separate meetings to individually apologize to me and "not make excuses for themselves but..." It's fine. I remember being 18-22 and struggling with taking responsibility for my actions. This is a learning lesson for them just as it is for me. But man was I ticked off. I even went so far as to print up little cards with all the due dates for their bulletin boards for the next semester and programming deadlines. On the back of that card I printed the procedure for being fired "verbal warning, written warning, probation, termination"... it was a little extreme but it certainly got the point across!!

Tomorrow's staff meeting ought to be fun... I need to come up with some activity that isn't corny but hits on working with others and how people want to receive feedback, how they best give it, etc... If you have any such activities, please share!!

So What'dya think?

I changed my layout... it took me a while, but I think I like it.

Let me know what you think.

UNDER CONSTRUCTION

Just informing all of you that my page is under construction for a little while...

TO BE CONTINUED...

Haiti

Watching 60 Minutes last night I wept. They showed these bulldozers heaving bodies into giant dumpsters. I can not imagine that. Those are human beings. People who have families grieving for their loss, people who love them and they wont have proper burials or funerals. I just do NOT understand and can NOT fathom the devestation.

dear Lord, please be with those that lost loved ones and those who are hurting.