Cancer

Did you know that one in three people will eventually be affected by cancer?  Isn't that a terrible statistic?  It makes my stomach turn.
When Ryan and I went for our Genetic Counseling appointment we had to go through a whole family history and Ryan and I realized that there is a lot of cancer in our families.  My maternal grandfather had colon cancer, my maternal grandmother had skin cancer and My father HAD bladder cancer.  Ryan's cousin had caner (I can't remember which type), his uncle had testicular cancer, his grandmother has cancer and we're praying the cancer stops there!!
When I said at that appointment, "Wow, I never realized how much cancer was in our family"  the genetic counselor said, "Well, one in three of us will be affected."  And I just stopped and stared at her!  Ouch.


Why am I writing about such a downer topic... well, I have had a week that is cancer full, or not cancer full - however you look at it.

Tuesday, while sitting at my desk knee deep in writing html code at work, my cell phone rang.  It was my dad's cell phone number - my parents rarely call me at work so immediately, that pit in my stomach returned.
Much to my surprise, he was jovial, but I could tell he was choked up.  "I just wanted to tell you that I had my cystoscopy and the doctor said that it was clean - not a trace of cancer... I don't have to go back for another year"... I will never forget that phone call. 
We have been praying for two and a half years that this would happen... and here it was!!  Thank you God for your blessings!!

Today, was not as great.  Two weeks ago, one of my RAs from last year came to me and told me that while at the dentist, he was told that his xray showed a tumor above his teeth, behind his nose; in his head.  He would need a biopsy.  At that time, I thought, "he's only twenty one, there's no way this is going to be anything scary."
The next day he had gone in for a consult and came home and said, "They're saying it's likely cancer"... No no no, he's only in his twenties, this can't really be.  I told him, "Don't worry about this until you know whether or not it is really something to worry about.  They haven't tested it at all, so don't worry yet."  It seemed to help. 
A week later, he came in practically bouncing off the walls.  "It's not cancer!! They said that based on what they saw when they biopsied that it was 98% not cancer".  He knew he'd still have to have it removed and the results from the biopsy hadn't come back yet, but just hearing that there was only 2% chance made him so much better.

Today, he came walking into my office with tears in his eyes.  My heart sunk.  The biopsy results showed that it is cancerous and rather than waiting until March (spring break) to have it removed, he goes in for a consult in 6 days to have it taken out immediately.  They believe they can get the whole thing, but he's still scared out of his mind.  This poor kid...  He's such a fun, happy, goofy young kid and he doesn't deserve this - not that anyone does... I don't know why I say that, but he's dealt with a lot of crap these past two years and he is in store for some good things... certainly not this.

He asked me today, "Why me?"  I told him that it is because he is strong enough to handle and beat this.  That these things happen to people who can handle them and that he will beat this and his story will give someone else the strength and courage they need to get through something like this. 
I honestly believe that.

My boss talked with him after I did and then came and talked to me.  She told me that she said to him, "Amanda's dad is a prime example of how keeping a positive attitude and determination to beat cancer really works."  I was so proud that someone who doesn't even technically know my dad knows how he handled this horrible disease.

She did forget one thing, prayer and faith in God.  My dad's faith in the Lord's plan for him is really to be credited.  That itself gave him his determination and positive attitude (which, might not have been positive ALL the time, but it certainly was positive on the outside more than not)...

I ask that those of you reading this would please say a prayer for Chris.  And a prayer of thanks for my dad, because the Lord certainly has blessed us. 

Pregnancy Update

I was reminded the other day by a friend that I haven't updated much about the pregnancy... which is pretty funny to me, in a way, because I don't eat, sleep, and breathe this pregnancy like I did my last one, so not blogging is probably just a product of that fact.
My last pregnancy, I guess, being my first, was all I could think about.  This time, until recently (now that I'm really showing) I haven't been obsessed with it.  In fact, there are times (mostly when eating) that I actually have to stop and remind myself, "wait, you're pregnant, can you eat that?"

It certainly isn't because I don't care - I do!  I can't wait for this baby to be here.  I don't' know that I ever wanted anything more.  From the moment we started trying to conceive I wanted this baby with a fiery passion.  And now, its pretty hard to think I have to wait another 4 months before he or she will be here.

I'm feeling pretty good all around... just still very tired.  I supposed working 8 hours a day and being a mom to a spunky 4 year old will do that to me - but I'm used to having a ton of energy so it's just frustrating at times.
We had a Level 2 ultrasound yesterday to determine whether this baby has cleft lip and/or cleft palate and I'm so relieved to say that all signs point to no.   God is so good.  What was really sad was in the genetic counseling appointment, the counselor asked if we were finding out because we would terminate if the baby DID have cleft lip and palate.  I can't imagine having that mind set.  I had it a little rough growing up with a birth defect (or as they call it 'birth difference') but I would never terminate a pregnancy because of it.  Don't get me wrong, I don't judge others for terminating for their own reasons, but I just don't think that cleft is a reason for me to do that.  The reason we were there was to better prepare ourselves if the baby were to have it.

My parents weren't prepared at all.  They had no idea that I would have any defect and then had no idea what was in store for me once I was born with this.
I can't imagine how scary and traumatic it was for them - I like to be prepared... having a baby is life altering enough... That's why we were there...

So that's my update. We have a healthy baby developing in there... and no we are not finding out.  We don't peek at our Christmas presents either!!
We're waiting and will relish in the surprise! 
And no, we're not sharing the names that we pick out either.  I don't care what you think about the name I pick and if I tell you now, you're bound to tell me what you think about it...
Ok, that sounds harsh... We like secrets, and we like surprises!  I know for a fact that if I had told people we were thinking of naming our girl Madison the last time, some people's reactions would have offended me to the point where I would have contemplated changing my mind about it - and I don't want to a.) feel guilty that you don't care for a name I pick or b.) let someone's reaction change what I want for my child.

People keep asking me if I feel that i'm having either a boy or a girl... I have no idea - honestly.  I mean I guess I lean towards girl, but that's only because it is all I know...


On another note, my other baby turned 4 on Tuesday.  I can't believe I have a four year old.  If I knew that this delivery would go just as hers did, I'd be so excited.  I still relish that as the best day of my life...

Madison's Delivery... Not to be lost

I just realized I didn't have this on my blog, but don't want to ever forget it... so I'm putting it in here... 

Hello all! So many of you have asked how the whole delivery went and what happened, since I was 15 days early... so I figured, the best way to share our story is by blog. I'll warn you, I'm not going to leave out any details, so get ready!!

Ok... it started, I think Wednesday evening when Ryan went Jammin with his dad and cousin, I was debating going to the gym or not ( I hadn't gone that morning and was feeling guilty)... So I texted Michelle asking if she was going, and I'm very glad she encouraged me to go with her! We went to the gym and walked on the treadmill for a while, and although I didn't say anything, my back was hurting a good amount as I was walking. I thought it a bit strange, but wanted my workout in, so I kept walking. We didn't get to do weights because the gym was closing, so after our walk, I came home and took a nice hot shower. After Ryan came home, we went to bed around 11 ish... and at 1:45am I woke up to go to the bathroom... a pretty usual occurance this late in my pregnancy. I realized that something wasn't right, I had either broken into a pretty intense sweat or my water might have broken.
After going to the bathroom, I realized that there was some pink visable in the toilet... knowing that I don't usually pee pink pee, I realized something might be going on. I went out to the living room, grabbed my What to Expect Book and looked up "How to know if your Water Breaks"... basically it told me if I thought there was some blood to call the doctor.
So, I grabbed my cell phone and called my doctor's office. However, no one picked up. Not even an answering service. Wondering what the heck to do now, I thought that I might have a different number than their main number, so I googled my office and found the same number. I tried again, and this time, thank goodness, the answering service picked up. I told the poor woman who just wanted my name and date of birth everything that I was thinking and nervous about... and she told me the that the on-call doctor would call me back. As I was spilling my guts to the answering woman, Ryan woke up and called out to me. I went into the bedroom and explained what was going on, and jumped back into bed with my cell phone... (ok, I didn't jump, I couldn't have jumped if you paid me... I waddled my ass back into bed groaning the entire time!)
A few minutes later my phone rang and the on-call doctor listened to what I had gone through and said, "Ok, you know where Morton Hospital is, why don't you head here and we'll check you out to see what's going on." I asked him, "ok, should I rush?" and he said "No, no need to rush, take your time and we'll see you when you get here."
So Ryan and I got up, and we decided that even though this was probably a false alarm, we'd bring our bags. So we finished packing the bags, grabbed the GPS (because neither of us could remember how to get to the hospital despite our 4 previous trips!) and headed out the door. The whole way to the hospital, I kept saying, you don't have to go to work tomorrow on 3 hours of sleep, sorry if this is nothing... etc. about it not being the real thing.

We left our bags in the car, knowing we'd be headed home in about an hour and went in to admitting. The on-call dr. had let them know we were coming, so our check-in process was very quick and smooth.
Once we got to the labor and delivery unit, two nurses (Janet and Debbie) met us and were so sweet! They explained everything they were doing and calmed us down!
They hooked me up to a fetal monitor (monitoring the baby's heartbeat) and a uterine monitor (measuring for contractions.) They they did a "dipstick test" to see if my water had actually broken. The test was basically inconclusive, the second line that was supposed to show if the water had broken was very faint and they just couldn't tell. So, they called the doctor and he came up and said that he needed to examine me in order to tell. This was at about 3:45am now.
This exam was traumatic, maybe more for Ryan than for me! Metal clamps??! Really, you can't tell me that there is no better way to check a woman's insides than metal clamps!! But, thats what happened... So he checked, and said, "Hmm... I'm not so sure your water broke. And your cervix is closed tight. Oh wait, I think I see hair." Then he stopped the exam checked again, and said, "I need to do another exam just to check." Great, I thought, two for the price of one! Hello again, metal clamps!
"Yes, that is baby's hair..." (he was Indian, I'm bad with accents, forgive me!)
The nurses then took over.
"Ok, your water broke, you're here for good. We'll probably start potocin in a bit to get you contracting. Lets get you back on a monitor."
If you're wondering what the baby's hair has to do with my water breaking, so did we, so I asked.
Janet explained that my cervix was closed, so they couldn't really see much, but that if the baby's hair had been pushed through the cervix than something, the fluid, had done that pushing... so it was still attached to her head, but it had been pushed through!
So, they hooked me back up to the monitor and said, "Oh, you're having contractions."
And, I thought, "this is great, if I'm having contractions and can't even feel them, this is going to be so easy!!" HAHAHAHA so wrong!!
At that point my contractions were about 5-8 minutes apart, and I couldn't feel them so much.
They moved us from a "Labor room" to a "Labor and Delivery Room"... and we just hung out watching Saved By the Bell episodes for a few hours. At about 7:30am, I sent Ryan to get himself some breakfast.
At about 8:30am, I could definitely feel all the contractions and they were about 4 minutes apart, so the nurse checked me and I was 3cm. dialted and 90% effaced. They came in and took some blood and put an IV in. If you know me, you know that I have a very bad history with IV's (including veins that collapsed and episodes of passing out when just seeing someone with an IV) so this was almost the worst part for me. They tried 3 times to find a good vein, bruising 2 in the process, and finally got it in. Well, as always, I felt like I was going to pass out, so they had me breathing slowly, drinking water, and trying to calm myself down. It worked, and I prayed the feeling away!
We decided we'd call our parents and Becky and just let them know what was going on, but not to head to the hospital until we had the baby (we wanted time to spend with our new one, without worrying about people waiting for us.)
We walked the hall outside the labor and delivery unit for about an hour until my contractions were getting too much to stand up.
Ryan reminded me now, that I was peeing every few minutes at this point. (I forgot!)
We went back into the LDR room, and they checked me again, this was at about 10 or 10:30 am. At that point, I was 8.5 cm dialated! We were pretty happy that we had gone 5.5 cm in just two hours! However, with that came wicked strong contractions. So, the new nurse, Darlene (I kept calling her Dolores by mistake!) got me a yoga ball to sit on and breathe out the contractions. Which, if you want advice, I strongly suggest the birthing ball, it was great!! I sat on that on the end of the bed and Ryan massaged my back through each contraction, which were about 2 minutes apart at this point and really getting stronger.
They offered me an epidural and some pain meds, but I was determined to do this o-naturale! I had a hard enough time with the IV, the epidural itself made me want to pass out, just the name!! So I declined all drugs! I was even pissed that I was getting fluid through the IV, I told them if they took it out I'd drink all the water they wanted me to, but that didn't work!
So... at one point, maybe about 11am, I really had to go to the bathroom, but the nurse said, "let me just check you before you do that, you may be more dialated than we think and it might not be that you have to go to the bathroom."
So, she did, and she said, "Yeah, you don't have to go to the bathroom, you're fully dialated, and you're ready to push!"
Ok, in all the movies, the women are so happy to be ready to push and so set to push the baby out... not in this movie! I was scared shitless and didn't know how to push...
It took a few tries to get the hang of pushing.. well, I don't know that I really got the hang of it... I know that it killed!!
Ryan was awesome! I can't even put into words how much his support meant to me and got me through the whole ordeal, especially without drugs!
From telling me how proud of me he was, to rubbing my face and head with ice cubes and giving me water after every contraction, to telling me to keep pushing when I just seriously wanted to give up...and praying outloud with me for the pain to ease and the birth to come quickly... he's seriously the most amazing husband I could have ever asked for. Not that I didn't know that already, but a situation like this completely reminds you how lucky you are!
Finally, I gave it my all, pushed until I saw stars (literally) and honestly thought I was killing myself, and out the baby came!!
From watching the movies and A Baby Story, I had expected it when they told me to stop pushing for a minute and just pant, but this was a lot different when they said that... But I did, I panted like crazy and then pushed when they said to, and she was completely out... (see below for how this is relavent!)
Ryan was crying, I was crying and in awe to the point where i couldn't really comprehend, but I heard the nurse say, "its a girl" and totally perked up!!! A GIRL!!! I so badly wanted a girl!!!

They put her on my chest and I instantly fell in love... I know, it sounds cheezy, but its so true. Then, I got to shower!!! While the nurse was helping me shower, I heard Ryan on the phone and I heard him say, "oh yeah, I don't know why, they didn't even ask me if I wanted to cut it."
So I asked the nurse, how come Ryan didn't cut the cord.
Darlene told me that the cord was wrapped very tightly around her neck that the dr. had to cut it from the neck, he couldn't even unwrap her!! There was no time to ask Ryan to cut it.
I was so glad they didnt' tell us that, he just told me to pant and not push, so he could cut it and clamp it. We would have freaked if we thought there was something wrong.

The parts they don't tell you is the after birth process. I mean, the birthing instructor went over it, saying, after you deliver the baby, they want your uterus to contract, so they'll push on it and give you some potocin to contract it... but they POUNDED on my stomach to get it to contract... well, the problem is that I was bleeding too much and they were afraid I was hemoraging, so they had to work quickly to get it to contract.

Either way, they got it to do what it was supposed to and they were just monitoring me for a few hours afterwards... I was too focused on Madison to even really care, other than the fact that I was really pale!

After about an hour or 2, my parents showed up with roses and tears! They moved us to the Maternity ward and we were in our room by 3pm. They made me eat some lunch before I could do much, but I just wasn't hungry, I wanted to be with my girl!

And, I think the rest is probably boring to you all... like my battle with breast feeding that I'm still waging! The size c/d boobs are great but the pain of engorgement is soooo much that it's not worth the looks!! Hahaha... seriously though, the recovery for a birth is so much more than I thought it would be! if you know other recovering moms... be good to them, they're in a lot of pain!!

Well, I think that's the gyst of my experience... and I wouldn't trade one piece of it for the world! My next child will be a drug free birth too, I now know I can do it!

I could write a post every day about how amazing my husband is.  But it would nauseate most of you, so I don't.

I know I am blessed.  I thank God every day (literally, for the past 17+ years, I have ended my nightly prayers thanking God for Ryan) and I see from examples all around me that he is not a typical husband (is there such a thing?)

As I sit here typing this entry (at 1:19am) he is driving to a 24 hour CVS to pick up a prescription the on-call doctor just called in for a UTI that I had the pleasure of waking up to!  I had my jacket on and was headed out the door when he got up and said, "I'll go, you shouldn't be driving there in pain".  And off he went.  (Only after asking, "wait, where am I going" - we've never needed at 24 hour pharmacy in the time we've lived in this town)...
He's amazing on an every day basis - not just in emergency situation's too.  Lately, with me being pregnant, I am realizing how aware of my feelings and insecurities he is.  He knows that gaining the weight is a tough concept for me.  Don't get me wrong, gaining the weight is not tough for me - in fact, I've already gained more than I should - but accepting the weight gain and not freaking out about it - not exactly the easiest for me.  But he constantly tells me how beautiful I am, how much he loves what pregnancy does to my body and smiles every time he looks at my growing belly. 

One of the best things about me being pregnant is knowing that Ryan will be an incredible dad to another child.  I constantly look at him with Madison and think, "she has no idea how blessed she is".  I do tell her all the time, "you have the best Daddy - we're so blessed with him" but she can't get it - she hasn't seen other dad's in action enough yet, to really realize just how blessed she is. 
He is so wonderful with her and takes time away from EVERYTHING just for her.  This started when I was pregnant with her - he wanted to be at every appointment (not just the ultrasound appointments - which he's doing again with this little bundle too).
Being in grad school is tough enough - but he waits until she is in bed to do his work - because he doesn't want to choose that over her - or let it take time away from her.  He rarely plays his video games anymore - but when he does, it's after she goes to bed - he chooses to play with her rather than play video games if she's awake.  I often have to remind him - "Hunny, she can color in the same room with you if you want while you get work done" and he'll say "I know- I'll get it done when she's in bed" even if it means him going to bed at midnight (while waking up at 5:15am each day).
I'm pretty sure too, that he's the only dad out of the preschool dads that writes a love note on her napkin each day when he packs her lunch.  (The teachers all love that!!)

We are so blessed.  Thank you God for blessing us with him...

Fill in the blank...

I recently read a friend/coworker's blog and they had a few "I am "blank" because... I thought it was a great idea...

I am happy because...

I have an amazing family (extended as well as immediate)
I have achieved my ultimate goal of owning a home
My husband is my best friend and is an incredible partner
I honestly feel like the Lord is completely in charge and I'm ok walking along His path

I am sad because...

I think my sister short-changes her abilities and herself as a whole (and settles for less from people than she deserves)
Money is a huge issue for us right now and our debt is worrying me a lot
I see bullying going on as young as 4 years old and it scares me for my children and makes me sad

I am a good friend because...

I will always listen to you and encourage you to do what you love and what you know is right
I remember birthdays and am thoughtful
I pray for so many of my friends and believe that God hears me

I am not a good friend because...

I will always chose my family over my friends
Although I remember your birthday, I forget to send you a card
Some of my friends are ridiculously selfish and hurt my feelings often - and I let it go rather than being honest with them about it

I am bothered by...

People who talk about themselves non-stop (and take every opportunity to turn a story back to themselves)
People sharing their opinions and not thinking about how many people that might get hurt by that opinion.  Just because it is your opinion does not mean that it's fact or that other people need to hear it
People who talk more than they listen

I am inspired by...

People who see the beauty in even the smallest things
My daughter and her excitement in life
A good sermon in church
Students who constantly tell me how much I mean to them and how I've changed their lives
Charity and people determined to have an impact on others' lives

ho hum...

I haven't updated in a while simply because not too much has been going on...  Well, Thanksgiving weekend was last weekend and I would say it was probably one of the best I've had.  I took Wednesday and Friday off, so we had a 5 day weekend together.

We hosted Thanksgiving here at our house - our first time (obviously) in the new house and I think it went well.
Ryan's parents, brother and nephew came over.  My parents, sister and boyfriend and the three kids also came.  I was happy that our little house fit fourteen people comfortably. 
My mom and I split (a bit unequally - but split nonetheless) the cooking.  My mom cooked the turkey and stuffing (and turnip which only my dad eats!)  I did the mashed potatoes, squash and green beans.  My sister made a chocolate pie and a pumpkin chiffon pie and brought a huge fruit salad.  My MIL made an apple pie and rice.  Overall, the food was fantastic, the kids were so well behaved and we all had a great time.
My parents stayed over that night and we (last minute) decided to have Elizabeth stay over too!  Maddie and Elizabeth rarely get to play together without interruption - but this was such a great day/night for them.  They are so cute together and get along so nicely.  We couldn't say no when she wanted to stay over!!

We did something that night we've never done before and I hope we make it a tradition.  My mom and I got up at midnight (after going to bed around 10pm) and met Becky in Plymouth to do the Black Friday shopping!  We started at 1am at Target (when it opened).  I am not sure why were were surprised, but the huge line shocked us!! It weaved around the side and to the back of the exterior of the building.  People had been there since 7pm!! Nuts!!  We waited in the car with the heat on until the line subsided and made it inside about 10 minutes after the crazies who waited for hours!!

I had a specific list in mind and got great deals on everything I went for, so it was completely worth it for me!
We were at Target for about 2.5 hours.  After that we headed to Kohls.  (Last year I had gotten up at 3:30am and went to Kohls and knew that I could get the kids their gifts again this year).
All toys were 50% off, so I got just about all of the kids on our list done!

Becky went home after Kohls and Mom and I stopped into Walmart at 4:30am.  We didn't realize it but Walmart had just opened at 4am, so it was a MAD HOUSE!
There was no organization like that of Kohl's and Target, it was a complete free-for-all chaotic nightmare.  We grabbed the two leggo items we wanted and I think we cut people in line for the register, but we got out of there and were home by 5:30am.
I fell asleep at about 6am and then Maddie was up with my Dad (and subsequently woke me up) by 7:45am.
Take that first trimester!!!

Actually though, I think I suffered all weekend because of the lack of sleep.  I did take a little nap on Friday and a nap on Saturday (that was 2 hours long!)

Our town does a pretty decent job with a Christmas Parade on the Saturday after Thanksgiving and it goes by the end of our street.  So on Saturday we grabbed some chairs, walked the .25 miles to the end and watched the parade.  My hormones are clearly raging because for some reason, the marching bands had me tearing up.  I don't think there's anything emotional about a marching band so I have no idea where it came from - but of course, Ryan saw me and was loving every moment of that!!!

Sunday night we met up with our bffl's Mike, Tricia and Grayson and walked around LaSalette.  I plan to do this every year, regardless of where we live.  I love it, I have loved it since I was a child and feel that it is a great tradition.  I remember a few years when I was younger, the shrine was suffering for money and they didn't know if they would be able to do all of the lights each year.  Well, this year, that is certainly not the case.  They had hayrides, merry-go-rounds, fried dough stations, and there was barely enough parking even in their overflow lot.  The traffic was backed up about 6 miles down the road to get in!! I was so happy to see that it was doing that well.    

So that was our weekend.  It just made me very excited about our week off during Christmas break.  23 more days!! I can do it!!!

As promised (only a few weeks late!)

Here are the pictures from our New York weekend...

how cute are these two???

at the winery, playing around

Melissa was chasing them ... they loved it!

can you tell why Maddie absolutely adores Melissa?

yes, these look like scrotums, but we didn't care!

dancing girls!

I LOVE THIS PIC!!!  Clearly Maddie was so happy with them!

not sure why I'm the only one who looks happy!!