Alone Time

I never really realized how much I enjoy being alone until I wasn't anymore.

I've been married for almost 6 years so each day I wake up next to Ryan (which I love!) and come home to him (which I also love!)  So time at home was always with him in the house...  There would be an occasional day or two where I'd come home and he would have a meeting or something, so I'd have an hour or two alone in the house.  I enjoyed it, I'd clean or do laundry or even take a bath with a book or something nice.  But I don't think I knew how much I liked it until I realized I hadn't had it in a very long time.

My good friend Teresa and I were talking this weekend and she asked me how come I liked running so much, was it the actual physical activity that I like, or what?  "God NO!"  I don't even really like the physical activity... but I realized then, it's the alone time.  It is literally the ONLY alone time I get.  I can't even go to the bathroom without Maddie or Ryan walking in the bathroom to do something or just "Mumma, I need you" happening!  Most people have a commute to work, so they at least have their time in the car as alone time.  Not me, the second I walk out my door, I have students waiting for me, asking me questions.  I have maintainers reporting issues in the building.  I have coworkers that I eat lunch with, so lunch is not alone either.

Don't get me wrong, I love my job, I love where I live, I'm just realizing lately that alone time is something that I completely took for granted before I had a child.  At least when I didn't have Maddie, I COULD go home for lunch and sit on the couch and just veg for that hour.  Now, if I go home, it upsets Maddie that I have to leave again in an hour (and eating lunch at home wouldn't be alone time anyways, since she's there with my MIL all day.)

So, yes, the reason I run is because it is the one time in the day where I don't have to answer anyone, I don't have to fix things for students, I don't have a child pulling at my legs, and I can be with my own thoughts.  So what do I think about when I'm alone on my runs...?  Others.  How silly is that... Shouldn't I just let my mind wander where it would and be "alone" with my thoughts?  I wish I could... but I don't.  The way I get through each run lately is to pick a "person per mile".  And during that mile I think about that person, pray for them, and thank God for who they are in my life.

Mom and Dad make it into every run.  They are usually miles one and two.  And... since each of my runs is always 3 or more miles, they're in every run.  The half marathon training has begun, so I'm on a strict running schedule and that means a consistent prayer schedule too!  I'll gradually add more people into my prayer list as I add more miles to my training!  I like it.  It's the best way I can think to spend my alone time.  (other than getting a pedicure or spa massage!!)  It's the only free and best way I can think of spending my alone time!!

As for now, I'm off to meet with more students!! I do love my job!

Another Day, Another 5 Miles...

My sister took Maddie overnight Friday night.  Ryan and I had a date night.  So, appropriately, we went to see "Date Night" after a nice dinner out.  It's funny, once you become parents, you forget how it is to just be the two of you again.  It was nice.  But, we're actually totally different people now that we're a mom and dad.  I like who we are.

Date Night was a pretty funny movie.  We identified with the lead couple in a few ways and were cracking up at some of the similarities... so that was fun.

Then, Saturday morning, we slept in until 10:45am!  I can't tell you the last time we slept that late but I can tell you it felt great!

Ryan came for a run with me Saturday.  He ran for about a mile and a half and then walked for another mile.  Not bad at all for someone who hasn't run in about a year.  I completed 5 miles on the track in about 55 minutes.  I felt great.  The new sneakers that I got last week (I can't remember if I posted about it, but I was fitted for running shoes based on how I run and the curvature of my foot) worked great and I didn't experience pain!

I rested on Sunday (due to church and I used the excuse, "God did want it to be a day of rest, so I should listen!") and Monday I ran another 5 miles.

However, yesterday when I went to get out of bed, I stretched a long stretch and felt a very painful pop in my hip.  Ooooh did it hurt.  But then the pain subsided, so I completed the 5 miles (about three hours later) and was fine.  Today, before I got out of bed (to respond to Madison's beckoning) I stretched again and the same thing happened!! But today, I've been feeling the pain all day.  I did get 3 miles in at the track, but they were a struggle.

I think I'll rest tomorrow and see how it feels on Thursday.  Which reminds me, I have a 5K to run on Thursday.  This one is one of the worst 5Ks I've ever run.  It's on campus in these nature trails that are pure up and down hills.  We ran it last year and I was sooo exhausted after running it.  But this year, I'm a little more trained, so I should be a little better.  I ran it in 36 minutes last year; I'm hoping to just do better than that!

I took tomorrow off to spend time with Ryan and Maddie while he's on vacation.  I'm glad I did too, the weather should be nice and April 21st is never an easy day for us.  Whenever I say that, I feel so selfish.  My best friend Amber's father died April 21st when I was in college and I hate that she lost her father so early.  I feel selfish saying its tough for us, because I can't imagine how tough it is for her.  Ryan grew up next door to their family, so he was a second father to him.  I lived summers with them, so I feel like I had a relationship with him like I never had with other friends' fathers.  He was such an important person in our lives and I really feel like he was taken way too early.  I just feel like he had a lot more teaching to do (I learned a lot of Christian values from him) and so many people were touched by his life that it pains me to relive his dying.  And Amber, if you're reading this, I pray it doesn't upset you... but its how I feel about him and especially on April 21st.  As much as I don't understand his leaving this earth when he did, God, I thank you for putting Roger in our lives, as I know our lives are richer and better because we knew him... "Because I knew you, I have been changed for good..."

I did it!

I completed my first 10K race!  I ran the entire time without stopping or walking once (even though my body and the terrible cramp I was feeling were begging me to!)

It felt so great!  Well, to finish anyways, the run itself was a little brutal!! It had about four huge hills and not at the beginning either, they were towards the end, when I just wanted to be done!!

The first two miles were cake!  I didn't feel a thing, I wasn't tired, I loved the scenery, my breathing was right on target.  Then the third mile came and my Pandora Radio on my phone stopped working.  We were right on the beach really, so I thought I'd have decent reception and didn't bring my ipod.  Big mistake!! I lost all music from 2.5 miles to the very end!  That made things a little tougher!

The community support was great!! There were water checkpoints at every mile but even in between the miles, people in the neighborhoods were standing at the end of their driveways with giant poland springs jugs and dixie cups handing them out to us!! so sweet!
I, however, do not drink during my runs.  It messes up my rhythm and gives me a cramp.  So I just waved at them!!

Speaking of cramp.  Oh man...  When I first started running on the track about a year or so ago, I would get a cramp every day that was sometimes debilitating!  The more I ran (daily) the less I got the cramp, it eventually ceased.
However, at mile 4, the cramp came on with a vengeance!! By mile 5 I thought for sure I'd have to walk or stop.  I was almost hunched over at one point (still running so I'm sure I looked ridiculous!) and I finally just dug my fist into my side to try to massage it out.  It didn't get rid of it, but it eased it enough so that I could finish the last mile and a half without walking!  Thank you God!!

Speaking of God.  I had read someone's blog that did a marathon and she said a great tip for her was to take each mile in the last half and choose one person per mile to pray for.  So I did that.  I prayed for my dad and his health for the 4th and 5th miles.  (He's special, he got two miles!)  And then the last bit of the race, it wasn't so much praying as it was just thinking about my gram.  She passed away four years ago and I think about her a lot.  Especially when I do things like this.  She was probably my biggest fan (I know, I have so many fans, it's hard to say that one of you is my biggest, but she was!!)  She was so proud of me and complimented me on everything I did, the way I dressed, etc.  I just know she would have been so excited for me to run the race.

Ryan tried really hard to make it there to see me cross the finish line (as a surprise) but I had totally overestimated the time I thought it would take me to finish, and came in about 20 minutes earlier than I thought.  So he was planning on getting there about 10 minutes after I finished (which would have given him 10 minutes to wait)... but either way, the thought was there.

I would however, totally love to have people there along the race or at the finish for a future long race!  There were times where I would see people cheering on their loved ones at like mile 4 and I thought, man, that must make you want to run faster and pump you up so much... Even without him there at the finish, I did sprint to the end once I could see the finish line. 

Either way, I'm so proud of myself for it, I finished with an average of 10:23 mile totaling an hour and five minutes, which was pretty good.  But it wasn't my best time.  I ran a 9.29 mile for the last 5K that I did... I guess with half the race, a better time is expected!

Now begins my training for the half marathon.  I upped my regular 3 miles to a 4 mile run this morning. I have a schedule for training and pray that I can stick to it!

Running...

Its not my favorite thing to do but its mine.  I started running when Maddie was about 5 months old,  I would plop her in the jogging stroller and off we would go.  It was my way to lose the baby weight without spending money on a gym or having to give up eating what I like.  I have no self control when it comes to good food, so dieting is not for me and I am quite aware of that.

So I run.

I started just getting up and running 1 mile each morning.  Then I remember it being one evening after work, I started running just before dark and thought, "I'll forget about how far I'm running and just run until the sun is so far gone that I can't see very well."  And I finished 2 miles.  At that point, I decided that all of my runs would then be 2 miles long.   A few weeks later I ran a 5k which is 3.2 miles.  At that point I decided that if I could do that, I could boost my runs to 3 miles or at least 2.5miles each day.

About 10 months later, I am still doing 3 miles each day.  Last Saturday, I ran 6.5 miles in under an hour.  I am signed up for a 10K this weekend and really would like to do it in under an hour and 20 minutes.  (I know, it's about the same distance as Saturday's run, but in race mode, I tend to get more cramps and run slower!)  My run Saturday was basically to prove to myself that I could do Sunday's 10 K and now I know I can!

When I said that Running is Mine, I meant that I do it alone.  No one got me into it, no one pushes me to run (with the exception of Ryan encouraging me to when I need it) and I own how much or how little I do, so it is mine.  And I love it.  I don't always love it just before a run but I always do after!!

I registered for a half marathon.  It will take place on June 27th.  I can not believe that I registered for it!  I can not believe I am going to run a half marathon!! But I can do it!  I know I can.  I am going to have to train and train hard.  Something I am not used to at all, I run when I want and for as long as I want and no one tells me how far I have to go.  But the training increases a mile each week until you get up to the actual race.  I will be running 7-10 miles at a time before the half marathon... This seems so unattainable, but I know I will feel incredible afterwards!!

I might keep blogging about my running, as to help myself stay accountable.

Lots to update on...

I forgot to update about our weekend whirlwind trip to Long Island! 

Kate and Brett's baby shower was two weekends ago and when we got the invite we decided that we would do whatever it took to get there!  So, Ryan's parents stayed at our place with Maddie and we headed to LI.

Kate and Brett didn't know that we were coming, so we surprised them at Kate and Melissa's parents house Friday night.  Not after going to a Brewery for dinner (our "thing"... anywhere we travel, we need to find a brewery to eat at)... They were so cute and seemed really excited that we went there.

Although I did miss Maddie, I had a great time with Ryan.  We easily forget how much fun just the two of us have together, and that weekend was just what we needed to remind us!

I absolutely love Kate and Melissa's family.  They were so inviting, made us feel so welcome and are just all around wonderful people.  We had a fantastic time!!!


So that was our weekend getaway!  Much needed, much appreciated and we're planning on going to LI again this summer sometime!

As far as other updates... My dad had a dr. appointment yesterday and found that there are no active cancer cells in the bladder (PRAISE GOD!) but there were a few areas of irritation that need to be treated.  So, he has three more invasive, crappy treatments in April and then they'll do more scans.  But this is good news!!!


My sister... well, someone bashed her mailbox in the night before last.  Real mature I know!  We know it wasn't Brian, he's still in rehab and can't lift his arms enough to swing a bat anyways.  We think it was his "best friend" Mike.  Best friend that causes tons of drama for Becky and always has.  She filed a police report and that is about all that can be done at this point...

I think those are the updates for now... 

On another note, it's April Fools Day and I keep falling for stupid pranks!!!  Can't wait until the day is over!!

Well, things haven't changed much... Brian is still in the rehab center trying to get better.  The only good that has come from this hurricane for Becky is that she and Brian are actually speaking like friends rather than enemies, as was the case prior to the accident.

Maddie has had some terrible mood issues lately and many time outs for not listening to me.  I don't know why but the not listening thing is something that totally sets me off!  I got way too upset the other day with her for that, and I was frustrated with myself for how I reacted.  I just lost it, over the fact that she wouldn't clean up her mess.  And she completely feeds off of me, knowing she's ticking me off and continuing to do it!

Oh well, it is what it is... a 2 year old and a sleep-deprived mother.  I just know now that I need to walk away from her before my temper flares.  Don't get me wrong, I would never hurt my child, but I do not like the way I spoke to her, the tone of my voice, or the way I was so upset about a silly thing.

Tomorrow is a huge day at work.  We make some decisions that affect college students and I worry very much about what we do to their esteem and confidence...

I'll let you know how that goes.

That's all.

Hurricane

Remember a few posts back, I said, "When it rains it pours" for my sister... Well, if that's the case, she's in a hurricane!!

Today I took the day off to go with her to court.  It was supposed to be her divorce court date.  However, that all changed on Thursday.

She got a call that Brian (her soon-to-be ex-)husband had fallen at work.  He works for a dry-wall company lifting sheet rock and other various construction things.  Apparently the fall was very bad.  He was unconscious for a few hours and now is in the hospital.  He has no feeling in his right leg, no strength and can't move his right hand and very little strength on his left side.  He is in a neck brace and chest brace.  They are not sure if he will ever regain feeling or movement completely.

Needless to say, I am not at court with Becky.

The worst part is what this is doing to Becky.  She doesn't even know what to feel right now.  She's just completely drained, she's at a loss of how to react, what to do and where to go from here.  She's been up at the hospital every day almost all day.  As much as she doesn't want to be married to him, she still cares about him and doesn't like to know he's lonely and suffering in the hospital.
Suffering he is!  He cried when I got there, in front of two of his "buddies".  If you know my brother in law, you know he is pretty much a bear.  He doesn't cry. 

He's scared out of his mind and probably should be.  They mentioned him being a quadriplegic at one point and he's terrified of that.  I think, in my non-medical opinion, that he will not be quite that bad but it does not look good.  He looks terrible.

I have so much I want to say to him.

I want him to know that just because this divorce is happening, he doesn't have to be a jerk.  He's holding on to the marriage, stating that he wants it to work, stating that he doesn't want to be divorced.  But really, he wasn't happy during the marriage.  He was not happy.  He didn't respect Becky, if he did, he would never have physically hurt her or verbally abused her either. He may love her (how can't you), but he doesn't and didn't respect her.  Her wants were not important enough to give her, if they were, she'd have had flowers all the time, she'd have had physical attention and affection.  Instead, they had a few good days, days where they didn't fight and argue.  I really think they argued more than 70% of the time in their marriage.  That is not happiness.  For either of them.
He didn't like the situation they were in; she chose the boys (the twins that she nanny's for)... she chose to have them live with them (and really, they have nothing without her, she didn't REALLY have a choice) but it bothered Brian.  He was not happy about that, and let Becky know about it all the time.

He didn't like when she'd make plans to be with our family, he'd be miserable most of the time.  He enjoyed being out drinking more than being at home with her and the family.

So really, WHY?  Why does he still want the marriage?  What is he holding onto?

I kept saying to Becky, "there is no script for divorce, you guys don't have to hate each other.  You don't even have to not see eachother or hang out together.  You shared 13 years of life together, you can still like each other.  You've just decided that marriage, living together, intimacy, and all the parts of marriage don't work for you."  I know Becky gets that, but I wish Brian would.

For Elizabeth's sake, I really pray they can figure something out... find someway to work together instead of against each other.  There's no reason there needs to be fighting now between them.  If their main goal is to be there and be good parents for Elizabeth, they need to come up with a plan for that and stick to it. 

I know he misses things now that he used to have, like my parents, me and Ryan.  But really, he doesn't have to give that up.  If he's a jerk to Becky and makes everything hard for her, then yes, he gives that up.  But if they work together and are amicable about all of this, then we're in too!  He is still Madison's uncle, he is going to be there when we're at Elizabeth's birthday parties, at her recitals, at dances, etc.  If they're speaking and working to make things positive for Elizabeth, then he wins.  He gets all of us with that.  If he's a jerk about it all, then he loses and so does Elizabeth.  I don't want that.  I just want him to realize that it doesn't have to be miserable.

Becky is not a bad person.  She's the most loving, kind, not-vindictive person alive.  She doesn't want to make things tougher on him.  She just wants to be able to provide for the kids and move on.  She deserves the fairy tale, she deserves to have someone enamored with her and be excited when she walks through the door at the end of the day.  She deserves complete happiness.  

And, even though Brian is in therapy and trying to get help, even if he did change and finally could be a great husband who recognizes the needs of his wife and does all he can to give to the wife what she needs... even if that does happen... it can't be with Becky.  You can not be with someone, physically and verbally abuse them... and then go back into the same relationship with them and not go back to those same behaviors.  It's why recovering addicts are encouraged to leave their former surroundings once they are recovered.  The old triggers are still going to be there.  She hasn't changed, and she will still do the things that ticked him off enough to hurt her.  (whatever they were, they didn't deserve that, but somehow it got to that point).  But he needs to realize, if he is getting better, it is for himself and to be a good husband to someone ELSE... not her.  He can be a good father and a great ex-husband to Becky... but that's where it's at.  And he can still be a good brother-in-law... if he wants.  I'm open to it and I pray that all of this happens daily.  I still love him, we've always had a funky relationship, but I do love him and I believe the potential is there, if he believes in himself and really wants it.

So, that's how I'm feeling about it all.  I pray that he gets help and I pray that he recovers and that God uses this whole experience to see just how much he DOES have in his life, even without Becky as his wife.  He's got it really good and he needs to wake up and see how important he is to people.  He doesn't have to lose anything if he chooses to accept the divorce and decides to try to make it work and try to make things easier on Becky and Elizabeth.  Elizabeth should be the one person who's happiness is calling the shots in this whole deal.  She told me this weekend that she's happiest when "mommy and daddy aren't fighting".  She is scared out of her mind about the fighting and the unknown that is her life right now.