Pictures from Nashville

I wanted to post some pics of our vacation and I forgot... so here ya go!

Another baby?!

Its funny... When you're first married, the question from people is, "oooh, so when are you going to have a baby?" or... "so, are there any babies in the future?!?!"

Now that we have a baby, the question is, "when's the next one?!?!" or actually, it's not even really a question for some people, it's, "ooooh, she's a year now... time for the next one!"

Says who?!?!

I just got to the point where I like this gig... and now you want me to change it up!?!

She's finally happy more than 50% of the time... do I really want to go changing that... And change it would!!

Maddie is a funny baby. She knows exactly what she wants and is pretty persistent in getting it. We really try hard not to give in... I do not want to be a mother that just tries to avoid a fight in public, so I give in. I do not do that. I give time-outs in the middle of a store, certainly say no to her when needed... but she's a handful. Especially now, being close to the tantrum peak and terrible twos, she's testing her limits.
I want to be able to enjoy her fully and not have to focus on being pregnant again and all that comes with that.

The tough part is that I don't want my kids to be too far apart in age... so there's a tricky situation I've gotten myself into!

So when you say to me, "oooh time for another!" I say to you... "mind your business, I'm happy with just one for now!" Ok, well I don't say that to you, I politely laugh and say, "oh, I don't know!" But I really want to say, "you worry about your life and I'll worry about mine!"


For now, she's only 18 months and I'll let myself enjoy her until God decides we're ready for another!

It's been a while

I haven't posted in quite some time, so I do have a lot to update.

We went to Nashville for a week, which was wonderful! Getting away and spending the week with our best friends was just what we needed. I was quite nervous for Maddie's first plane ride, however, she surprised us completely and loved it! She didn't seem bothered at all when our ears felt the pressure, the only part she wasn't crazy about was how confined we were. The planes were tiny! 13 rows back and 3 seats across and that was it! So, there was not much room with her on my lap.
Other than that though, I couldn't have asked her to be any better!

We did all of the country fan-touristy things while in Nashville and had a great time as a family as well as catching up with Mike and Trish.

While we were gone, my dad had surgery. I've been avoiding blogging about this, because for some reason, putting it in writing makes it real. He was diagnosed a week or so before we left with Bladder Cancer. I took it much harder than I thought I would. I almost knew it was coming, he was very upfront with the symptoms as he felt them and noticed them, but I guess all along, I was praying and hoping it would end up being something else.

So, when he was diagnosed, I left work in tears. Got in my car and met my sister. We both decided that we just wanted to be with him and my mom so we went there and all had dinner together. I think it was helpful for all of us. We wanted to see him, to be normal with him, and let him know that we'd support whatever came his way.

He had surgery while I was in Nashville, and they think they got all of the cancer. He has to go back at some point this week for a follow up and we will know more then.
Thank you GOD that they could do this surgery and that they got it all.

This weekend was the memorial service for my Aunt Marsha that passed away in March. I was better composed throughout the service than I expected, but that night and all of Sunday I was an emotional wreck. Her death hit me so much harder than I had expected. Its funny how some people are in your life, you know you love them, you know they mean a lot to you, but until something happens, you just don't realize the extent of all of that. Really, I think she knew I loved her and that she meant a lot to me; but I know for a fact she has and had no idea how much of an impact she had on my life.

Aunt Marsha was someone who made others laugh all the time. She loved to be around children and children loved to be around her. She could look at someone and see the beauty in them, even if it were buried beneath a mask or a facade. She also had a way of making you feel like you were the most important person in the world when you were talking to her.
I remember the day after Maddie was born, she came to the hospital to visit us. She kissed me and gave me a look and in her eyes I could tell that she understood my emotions at that moment. Her eyes spoke a certain peace to me, as if to say, "its ok hunny, you can do this."
I learned so much from her over the years. As a kid, she was an adult that I minded and looked up to. She yelled at us (kids) when we would play in the cabins (where we were told numerous times not to play)...
As a pre-teen, she emerged as a Christian role model. I saw her show Christ's love to others in a way that was so peaceful and not forceful. I loved that. I loved being around her.
As a young adult, I was at her house very often, whether for Happening things (a Christian Youth weekend I ran) or Alpha (a Christian course I took with her) and I loved being with her, not just around her. I loved having conversations with her, I loved that she almost always had a cup of coffee in her hand and for years had the same gold hoop earrings in her ears every day!
I loved her laugh and the way she'd sing at the top of her lungs for all to hear (not always on key) but she didn't care, it made people smile and laugh and be able to let loose and act silly also. She made you feel good about yourself, all the time.
I loved the relationship she had with her grandchildren and most of all, I loved that she treated me as family (even though technically I am not).
Losing a loved one is so tough, especially when you're not sure if you showed them just how much they mean to you, or even got to prepare yourself for their goodbye. I didn't prepare myself for that, and I didn't get to say goodbye. I know I didn't get to tell her how much she meant to me, and more because I didn't know how to put it in words. The day she died, I woke up that morning before knowing she had died, and said, "I want to email Uncle Dana and ask him to share it with Aunt Marsha and just tell her how much she means to me." I got to work too late to do that.

If I had emailed her I would have tried to tell her all of this, but even this doesn't explain it. I hope someday I can be half the woman, wife, mother, aunt and grandmother that she was. More so I hope I can be half the Christian she was, and if so, I will have achieved greatness.

Taste and See....

I've started reading the "Forward Day by Day" that my parents left in my apartment (not accidentally I'm sure) when they were here. Yesterday's passage was Psalm 34: "Taste and see that the Lord is good: happy are those who take refuge in him".

The woman talks about tasting the Lord and what the Lord tastes like for her... that alone is a little weird to consider for me... But I get it, I feel like the Lord or the personal relationship we have with Him is different and feels different (or for her, tastes different) to everyone. Just as food does, I mean if things tasted the same to everyone, we'd all like or dislike the same things. I like strawberries, don't really understand how someone else doesn't, but Ryan doesn't... so it's like our relationship with the lord, I see it one way, and Ryan sees his another.

My relationship with the Lord goes through waves I think. Most of the time, he's the person inside my head that I talk to (pray to) daily, during stressful and happy times. I cursed him a lot this weekend and then felt guilty about that.

Ryan failed his MTEL (teacher test) for the 3rd time this weekend. It was by 9 points. NINE fricken points... this is the second time he's failed it by the SAME exact score! It's so frustrating too because he's been offered a 1st grade position for next year, but he HAS to pass the test.
The next test date is July 11th, and that's the last time he can take it. That date is also the memorial service for my Aunt Marsha; which neither of us wants to miss. I need closure, and so does he. So, he's going to have to go to the memorial service, then leave after about an hour, to go take this dreaded test.

After he got his failing score this weekend, he was so down... so down... and he's never down. I finally decided that I need to be more active in his studying. And I have been. I created an outline for him, breaking down what we "Think" will be on the test into subareas and I am his study group.

We each take different subjects each night and research them... then next week, we're bringing what we've learned back to each other and sharing/teaching the other what we've learned. Then I'm going to have him re-teach me what I shared with him...
It's one way to try studying... I just figure, what he was doing before, which was studying alone, was not working... so this way, I am trying my best to be supportive.

He just has to pass.

I prayed so hard for him to pass the last test and got so mad at God when he failed... Which isn't fair really... there's a reason for all of this, I just don't know what it is.
I mean, maybe this experience of us studying together is what we needed.
We're pretty effective when we work together, I think we've known that, but we've never done something like this before, studied together (he's 2 years younger so we were never in the same classes or anything) so this is a new experience... we're learning together.

I just pray to God this pays off and he can pass this test. It doesn't help that he's not a great test taker, has wicked test anxiety and blanks when he gets into the test mode... I pray to God that doesn't happen this time. He's going to be so prepared, I'm making sure of that, I just need him to be able to focus enough to pass it. 9 points, he just has to do 9 points better!! Please Lord, let these efforts work!

So.. I forgot I had a blog....

Maybe I didn't, actually... I just forgot to update it.
Welp, its June.... June is an interesting time for us. I know for some, my best friend in particular, its a tough month. She lost her father eight years ago and his birthday is in June, so is Father's Day... that isn't easy.
For us, our Anniversary is June 5th, so that's something to celebrate. Dad's birthday is the 9th, that's to celebrate. My Aunt Marsha's birthday would have been the 10th, that's sad. My niece's is the 14th, we had her party this weekend, which, despite me being sick sick sick, was fun. My gram's birthday would have been the 16th; she would have been 95 this year... i miss her a lot. So yeah, overall, a mixed bag of emotions in June.

Our Anniversar... I can't believe it has been 5 years and 15 that we've been together. Just is so weird how time passes like that. I've officially been with Ryan for half the time I've been alive. Who would have known that years ago when we were kissing on the beach of camp dennen or pouring out our souls on the benches of the chapel to each other, that we'd be celebrating 5 years of being married one day? And that we'd have a beautiful daughter as proof of our lasting and incredible love for each other. Really, I thought I loved him way back then. I thought, "this feeling is so strong, it just has to be love." And maybe it was, but the love I feel for him today, is so different. Its a love that has gotten us through so much together. So much. Some really shitty times that I thought would end what we had. Some really tough times that I thought the emotions and the strain it had on us would break us, but it didn't. I honestly think it is because our love is blessed by God; meaning God wanted us to be together, He was in charge of us getting together, meeting (through an incredible family) and staying together all these years.
We've certainly changed a lot in 15 years and not just in looks. Our outlooks on life, our thoughts on children (I didn't even know if I wanted any just 6 years ago), our political views, our opinions on random topics... we've changed so much as individuals and as a couple and yet, we're closer now than we ever have been.
I laugh every once in a while at how in sinc we are. More times than I can count, I'll have a song in my head at work and come home to hear Ryan singing it... or how he'll take out exactly what i was wanting for dinner before I even say anything. Or how he'll be sitting on the couch and I'll think, I'd love to go lay on the couch with my feet up on his lap, and as I walk over, he'll pat his legs for me to put my feet up on. We just fit. In every meaning of the phrase, we just fit.

So many people make me realize how blessed I am to have what we have together. A friend of mine who is single and just pretty lonely and miserable; she makes me realize that I am so blessed (I hope that doesn't sound awful, but seeing just how much she longs for a companion and children and at age 27 is afraid she will never find that makes me realize how blessed I am that I did.)
My Uncle who just lost his wife of like 40 years, certainly makes me realize how blessed we are. He makes me realize more though, how much I need to take each day for the gift that it is, appreciate all the ups and downs and love the fact that we're going through them together...
My best friend who spends so much time alone and praying for her military husband's safety. Although I completely respect and admire what he does, I really respect and admire the love she has for him and the sacrifice she must give for his job; she has a whole new perspective on life and helps those of us whose husbands don't have to leave for months at a time really apprecaite the nights we have with each other; and the little things... like I really appreciate how lucky I am that Ryan is going to come home in the afternoon and kill the spider I trapped under a cup... I have a feeling, the spider would get out of the cup if she had to wait until her hubby came home from overseas... so she has to do it herself. She helps me realize these things!
Other friends who have husbands but have so much money that they focus on the materialistic things they have more than they focus on their family... those friends make me glad I am living just among the poverty level. Because we don't have a ton of materialistic stuff to get in the way or to take our focus away from each other.
And... my parents... who even after 35 years of marriage and plenty of bumpy roads still keep the Lord the center of their marriage teach me every day that if we focus on God and our relationship with God, the rest will fall into place.

Wow, I just kept going there with my thoughts... And there are many thoughts in this head of mine! I think this is the way blogging is supposed to be... I wasn't thinking about anyone reading this at all, just more thinking about what I have been thinking about and putting it down "on paper"....
I like this...
I'll blog like this from now on...

One week

In one week I will be driving to South Carolina (for a wedding) and leaving Maddie for four whole days. She's staying with my sister, whom I trust fully, but I am still sooo nervous!!!
I just know she'll be fine, she loves my sister and loves her cousins (I say cousins because even thought Elizabeth is Becky's only child, she cares for Mark and Matthew pretty much 24/7, so they're family!)
I just get nervous because Becky is used to a three year old and two nine year olds, she's not used to a one year old. I get worried that she'll forget that Maddie can't sit on the couch by herself, she falls off! Or that she can't eat huge bites of things, you have to chop them in little pieces. Or that she trips a lot, A LOT!
The good thing is that Becky is so receptive to this stuff, I've already told her how nervous I am and she just said to write out everything and she'll make sure that nothing gets forgotten or overlooked, but really, it's my baby!! She's my heart walking outside of my body... And I have to go without that for four days... that's so tough.

Now I need to go make my list for Becky, now that its on my mind!

stitches

Welp, I knew it would probably happen, I just wasn't ready for it.
Maddie isn't completely steady on her feet all the time, she falls at least once or twice a day, usually bumping her head on the floor, or into a table or whatever. She usually cries for a few minutes, gets a little bump and it's over with.
Not this time.

on Tuesday we ran a 5K on campus. Ryan had the jogging stroller with Maddie in it and walked/ran for most of it. I was up ahead running it. We were beat afterwards because it was up and down some huge hills, so it was pretty strenuous!
So we came home, but it was still about 80 degrees out, so we threw some Turkey burgers on the grill and were making dinner together.

Maddie was walking her doll's carriage all around the house. Then at some point she picked up her sippy cup and was attempting to run it into the kitchen to us and tripped on the lip into the kitchen. She was just too close to the corner of the counter and smashed her head into it. All I remember was looking down and seeing bright, dark, red blood gushing out of her head and hearing her shrilling screams! Ryan was screaming about calling 911, I yelled at him to grab a wet paper towel and call for an ambulance.

She was crying non-stop and I was just trying to put as much pressure on her head to get the bleeding to stop enought to see how bad the cut was. At this point, she was sitting in my lap on the kitchen floor and we both were covered in blood and sitting in a pool of blood. With all of that blood I was expecting the worst, but knew that head wounds bleed like crazy.
The campus police were there within a minute and I had moved her into the living room to watch the Backyardigans (which I hoped would calm her down- and for the most part I was right).

As soon as Captain Sampson was there, I felt a bit better, he assessed it and said that it would need stitches. The fire department showed up and said the same thing.

So, we got the burned burgers off the grill, I wrapped up her spinach and cheese tortillini and we put her in the car to head to the ER.

After three hours in the ER, were were taken into a room where they basically put Maddie in a straight jacket and clamped her head in place! A huge needle was used to give her novicane and I had to sit down because the room went black and I was about to pass out. What a great mom huh?
She was screaming like no child should EVER scream and Ryan was amazing! He was talking to her through the whole thing, and he watched as the ER Doctor put the stitches in her head... I couldn't watch, I couldn't even open my eyes without fear that I'd hit the floor.

after what seemed like hours, I was able to hold my baby girl, who instantly stopped crying when in my arms, thank GOD!

With instructions to give her Tylenol and how to wash the stitches, we were sent on our way. Maddie finished her dinner when we got home and then at 10:45pm finally went to bed!

I couldn't eat, and just broke down when she finally fell asleep! Seeing your child go through that is something no parent should have to go through.

Then it gave me a whole new appreciation for my parents and what they went through for my 9+ surgeries. I do not know how they did that over and over, knowing what they'd be going through...

Luckily, I am not a hot mess from all of that, so I know Maddie will be just fine. But I can tell you, I will never get those images out of my head!

I pray... pray... that was the last time for something like that!!!