Lent

So, I am going to rant.

I am a Christian, I have been basically since birth and I have wanted to be one since I knew who God was and all He had done for me. I used to go to church every Sunday, I ran the Youth Group for almost 6 years, I ran a Christian Retreat for High School Kids, I was very involved in the church.

Until the Episcopal church split and my church went through a HUGE upheaval.

Then I started looking for new churches, and basically this was a very daunting task and my motivation dwindled.

This does not mean I am any less of a Christian, it just means I don't necessarily get my weekly sacraments that feed me spiritually.

However, I still try to act Christian, I still treat people as best I can, I still abide by the commandments and keep up my end of my relationship with God on a daily basis.

What bothers me, are Christians (and I hate to say it, they are mostly Catholic, which I am not) that all of a sudden, Ash Wednesday comes around and they are freaking out about going to church for their ashes, or giving up something for lent, or not eating meat, and even fasting for the day. Yet, I have never heard this person profess a Christian thought since I've known them.

It is just so funny that for one day, people are "so catholic" but every other day they forget. One friend was trying to remember whether she was supposed to fast for Ash Wednesday or just not eat meat. She called her dad and he said she was supposed to fast, so I said, "well, are you going to fast or are you coming to lunch with us." Her response was, "well, I already had a donut so I guess not." I don't know, it just all seems so odd to me. I asked someone who was struggling with what they were going to give up for lent, why they give things up and they couldn't tell me. REALLY?? Then what is the purpose?!?! If you don't know why you're doing it, then why the heck do it?!?!

You're supposed to want to do it as a symbol of appreciation for what the Lord did for you. He went 40 days and 40 nights without sustenance. You're supposed to be giving something up as if to say, I am doing this in honor of what the Lord did, and if He could do that for me, then this is the least I can do for him. And the whole "cheating on Sundays" thing is just beyond me! Do it or don't do it!

Anyways, that is my rant.

As an episcopalian we were never forced to give something up. We could if we wanted to, but it was not pushed. And rather than really give something up, I have decided that lent is a good time for me to start a new habit. I now get up every morning with my hubby, an hour before I have to, and workout at home. When the weather is better, I will go for a run on the track and come back and work out some more. I want to be around for a long time and I still have 10 baby pounds to lose. As well as a lot of toning to work on!

Back to work, I have a meeting in 10 minutes.

First Blog

I know, real creative for a title.

I'm not sure why I'm starting a blog other than the fact that my best friend keeps one and casually mentioned, "you should keep a blog about being a working mom."

I used to have a livejournal, and a blurty, and I recently found them and read them... I did like keeping them, but someone once made some really rude comments saying something like, "listen bitch, you're not that important." So I stopped after that.

Truth is, I'm not that important, I'm a 29 year old (almost 30) woman, who is living her childhood fantasy life. I married my middle school sweetheart, had a baby girl a year ago, love my job and have the best family and friends anyone could ask for. Which is why I wonder if this blog would work for me. I don't have that much to blog about.

But I will try.

I called this A Working Mom's Tirade and my address is "Not your typical mom" for a few reasons. Firstly, I am NOT your typical mom. I didn't cry right after she was born, not that I wasn't happy as could be, trust me I was. I didn't cry when I went back to work after being on maternity leave, in fact, I was looking forward to it. Don't get me wrong, I love my baby more than I ever thought I could or would, but I am more than just a mother. I am a working woman, I love my job, I love what I do, the people I work with and I love the career I am in.

Having my baby was huge for me. I didn't always know I wanted to be a mom, in fact, I didn't always want to be a mom. It was about two weeks before I found out I was pregnant, I thought, yeah, lets think about having a baby in the next few years. It all happened VERY quickly.

For starters, I wasn't one of those women who LOVE being pregnant. It was ok, I liked the positive attention I got. But I've always been known for being tiny, I have a very small body structure, and I gained 55 pounds while pregnant. Each pound that packed on was worrisome to me. I knew it was all for the health of my baby, but it was tough to deal with. I also gave up all artificial sweetners, caffeine, lunchmeats, and EVERYTHING else they tell you to avoid while being pregnant. (Most women just cut back on these things, as is recommended, however, I had some genetic worries at the same time, and thought I wanted to have NO doubts if something did happen while my baby was inside that I had done everything I could to keep her or him healthy.)
We didn't find out the sex of our baby, which was tough. Registering sucked when we didn't know, because most everything is either pink and purple or blue and brown. We went with stars and moons. Pretty safe.
Deep down, I knew I wanted a girl but wouldn't say it out loud incase it was a boy.

My labor was the most incredible thing I have ever been through in my life. I loved every minute of it. Don't get me wrong, it was the most intense pain I've ever felt or even heard of. I did not use any drugs, I was determined not to. (I don't have anything against anyone who uses them, my biggest fear is needles and i wanted to avoid them at all cost.) Plus, I believe that God created my body to have a baby, therefore I should be able to do it without drugs.

But seriously, the delivery was the best part of those almost 10 months. My husband was incredible, as I knew he would be. We laughed and joked around for most of the labor and even when it was at its most painful, he was right there wiping my head with a facecloth, giving me water when I wanted it, and encouraging me the whole way through. At one point he leaned over me and prayed outloud that the Lord would help me through the pain and give us a healthy child. Within minutes, that happened.

Our daughter was born just 10 short hours after my first sign of labor. Like I said, I didn't cry when she came out. Trust me I was happy, very happy. I just was in disbelief that I had actually just delivered her! And, I just really wanted a shower! I was also extatic that I had a girl. I will fully admit that now. I really really did not want a boy. I have nothing against boys, in fact, I have a feeling my second child will be a boy and I am excited about that, just for this one, I really wanted a girl!

The first few weeks at home were tough for me. I was very overwhelmed with nursing. Well, I had gone from an A cup to a DD cup, which would have been wonderful had they not hurt and had I not had so many troubles getting her to nurse. I was also very concerned with losing those 55 pounds as soon as I could, but even now that I've lost pretty much all of that, but my body looks very different. There are days where I am fine with that, but most days it is a source of depression for me.

I will admit that I loved but did not necessarily LIKE my child for the first 8 months of her life. She had colic for the first 5 months and I spent almost 5 out of 7 nights of the week awake and crying right along with her while she had her fits. Most nights she cried from 1am -5am nonstop. Her worst night was a Tuesday in February (when she was 1 month old) she cried literally nonstop from midnight until 8am.

Her crying throughout the night ceased around 8 or 9 months, at which point I started to warm up to her. I didn't feel that intense bond like you hear about. And I had so much guilt over that, and still have some guilt. However, I do realize that everyone's experience is different. And because I don't feel figuratively attached by a cord to my child, I am no less of a good mother than someone who does feel that way.

Again, I will say it one more time, I love my daughter. I really do. I just think I thought there would be this glow about being a mom, this euphoric feeling at all times, and I did not get that.

Each day, we do grow closer, now that I can sleep and she can too. She is developing such a great personality as each day passes. She is teaching me to let go and enjoy the little things. I no longer HAVE to have my house spotless at all times. I am realizing that it is ok if toys are left out of the toybox for more than 15 minutes.

I see a lot of myself in my daughter, and it is helping me to change and be a more positive person. When I see her being moody for no reason, I realize that she got that trait from me, and I am quick to change it when it happens to me!

Well, this was a very long post. And a lot about my daughter... we'll see how the next post is!! Thanks for reading.