Well, things haven't changed much... Brian is still in the rehab center trying to get better.  The only good that has come from this hurricane for Becky is that she and Brian are actually speaking like friends rather than enemies, as was the case prior to the accident.

Maddie has had some terrible mood issues lately and many time outs for not listening to me.  I don't know why but the not listening thing is something that totally sets me off!  I got way too upset the other day with her for that, and I was frustrated with myself for how I reacted.  I just lost it, over the fact that she wouldn't clean up her mess.  And she completely feeds off of me, knowing she's ticking me off and continuing to do it!

Oh well, it is what it is... a 2 year old and a sleep-deprived mother.  I just know now that I need to walk away from her before my temper flares.  Don't get me wrong, I would never hurt my child, but I do not like the way I spoke to her, the tone of my voice, or the way I was so upset about a silly thing.

Tomorrow is a huge day at work.  We make some decisions that affect college students and I worry very much about what we do to their esteem and confidence...

I'll let you know how that goes.

That's all.

Hurricane

Remember a few posts back, I said, "When it rains it pours" for my sister... Well, if that's the case, she's in a hurricane!!

Today I took the day off to go with her to court.  It was supposed to be her divorce court date.  However, that all changed on Thursday.

She got a call that Brian (her soon-to-be ex-)husband had fallen at work.  He works for a dry-wall company lifting sheet rock and other various construction things.  Apparently the fall was very bad.  He was unconscious for a few hours and now is in the hospital.  He has no feeling in his right leg, no strength and can't move his right hand and very little strength on his left side.  He is in a neck brace and chest brace.  They are not sure if he will ever regain feeling or movement completely.

Needless to say, I am not at court with Becky.

The worst part is what this is doing to Becky.  She doesn't even know what to feel right now.  She's just completely drained, she's at a loss of how to react, what to do and where to go from here.  She's been up at the hospital every day almost all day.  As much as she doesn't want to be married to him, she still cares about him and doesn't like to know he's lonely and suffering in the hospital.
Suffering he is!  He cried when I got there, in front of two of his "buddies".  If you know my brother in law, you know he is pretty much a bear.  He doesn't cry. 

He's scared out of his mind and probably should be.  They mentioned him being a quadriplegic at one point and he's terrified of that.  I think, in my non-medical opinion, that he will not be quite that bad but it does not look good.  He looks terrible.

I have so much I want to say to him.

I want him to know that just because this divorce is happening, he doesn't have to be a jerk.  He's holding on to the marriage, stating that he wants it to work, stating that he doesn't want to be divorced.  But really, he wasn't happy during the marriage.  He was not happy.  He didn't respect Becky, if he did, he would never have physically hurt her or verbally abused her either. He may love her (how can't you), but he doesn't and didn't respect her.  Her wants were not important enough to give her, if they were, she'd have had flowers all the time, she'd have had physical attention and affection.  Instead, they had a few good days, days where they didn't fight and argue.  I really think they argued more than 70% of the time in their marriage.  That is not happiness.  For either of them.
He didn't like the situation they were in; she chose the boys (the twins that she nanny's for)... she chose to have them live with them (and really, they have nothing without her, she didn't REALLY have a choice) but it bothered Brian.  He was not happy about that, and let Becky know about it all the time.

He didn't like when she'd make plans to be with our family, he'd be miserable most of the time.  He enjoyed being out drinking more than being at home with her and the family.

So really, WHY?  Why does he still want the marriage?  What is he holding onto?

I kept saying to Becky, "there is no script for divorce, you guys don't have to hate each other.  You don't even have to not see eachother or hang out together.  You shared 13 years of life together, you can still like each other.  You've just decided that marriage, living together, intimacy, and all the parts of marriage don't work for you."  I know Becky gets that, but I wish Brian would.

For Elizabeth's sake, I really pray they can figure something out... find someway to work together instead of against each other.  There's no reason there needs to be fighting now between them.  If their main goal is to be there and be good parents for Elizabeth, they need to come up with a plan for that and stick to it. 

I know he misses things now that he used to have, like my parents, me and Ryan.  But really, he doesn't have to give that up.  If he's a jerk to Becky and makes everything hard for her, then yes, he gives that up.  But if they work together and are amicable about all of this, then we're in too!  He is still Madison's uncle, he is going to be there when we're at Elizabeth's birthday parties, at her recitals, at dances, etc.  If they're speaking and working to make things positive for Elizabeth, then he wins.  He gets all of us with that.  If he's a jerk about it all, then he loses and so does Elizabeth.  I don't want that.  I just want him to realize that it doesn't have to be miserable.

Becky is not a bad person.  She's the most loving, kind, not-vindictive person alive.  She doesn't want to make things tougher on him.  She just wants to be able to provide for the kids and move on.  She deserves the fairy tale, she deserves to have someone enamored with her and be excited when she walks through the door at the end of the day.  She deserves complete happiness.  

And, even though Brian is in therapy and trying to get help, even if he did change and finally could be a great husband who recognizes the needs of his wife and does all he can to give to the wife what she needs... even if that does happen... it can't be with Becky.  You can not be with someone, physically and verbally abuse them... and then go back into the same relationship with them and not go back to those same behaviors.  It's why recovering addicts are encouraged to leave their former surroundings once they are recovered.  The old triggers are still going to be there.  She hasn't changed, and she will still do the things that ticked him off enough to hurt her.  (whatever they were, they didn't deserve that, but somehow it got to that point).  But he needs to realize, if he is getting better, it is for himself and to be a good husband to someone ELSE... not her.  He can be a good father and a great ex-husband to Becky... but that's where it's at.  And he can still be a good brother-in-law... if he wants.  I'm open to it and I pray that all of this happens daily.  I still love him, we've always had a funky relationship, but I do love him and I believe the potential is there, if he believes in himself and really wants it.

So, that's how I'm feeling about it all.  I pray that he gets help and I pray that he recovers and that God uses this whole experience to see just how much he DOES have in his life, even without Becky as his wife.  He's got it really good and he needs to wake up and see how important he is to people.  He doesn't have to lose anything if he chooses to accept the divorce and decides to try to make it work and try to make things easier on Becky and Elizabeth.  Elizabeth should be the one person who's happiness is calling the shots in this whole deal.  She told me this weekend that she's happiest when "mommy and daddy aren't fighting".  She is scared out of her mind about the fighting and the unknown that is her life right now.