Taste and See....

I've started reading the "Forward Day by Day" that my parents left in my apartment (not accidentally I'm sure) when they were here. Yesterday's passage was Psalm 34: "Taste and see that the Lord is good: happy are those who take refuge in him".

The woman talks about tasting the Lord and what the Lord tastes like for her... that alone is a little weird to consider for me... But I get it, I feel like the Lord or the personal relationship we have with Him is different and feels different (or for her, tastes different) to everyone. Just as food does, I mean if things tasted the same to everyone, we'd all like or dislike the same things. I like strawberries, don't really understand how someone else doesn't, but Ryan doesn't... so it's like our relationship with the lord, I see it one way, and Ryan sees his another.

My relationship with the Lord goes through waves I think. Most of the time, he's the person inside my head that I talk to (pray to) daily, during stressful and happy times. I cursed him a lot this weekend and then felt guilty about that.

Ryan failed his MTEL (teacher test) for the 3rd time this weekend. It was by 9 points. NINE fricken points... this is the second time he's failed it by the SAME exact score! It's so frustrating too because he's been offered a 1st grade position for next year, but he HAS to pass the test.
The next test date is July 11th, and that's the last time he can take it. That date is also the memorial service for my Aunt Marsha; which neither of us wants to miss. I need closure, and so does he. So, he's going to have to go to the memorial service, then leave after about an hour, to go take this dreaded test.

After he got his failing score this weekend, he was so down... so down... and he's never down. I finally decided that I need to be more active in his studying. And I have been. I created an outline for him, breaking down what we "Think" will be on the test into subareas and I am his study group.

We each take different subjects each night and research them... then next week, we're bringing what we've learned back to each other and sharing/teaching the other what we've learned. Then I'm going to have him re-teach me what I shared with him...
It's one way to try studying... I just figure, what he was doing before, which was studying alone, was not working... so this way, I am trying my best to be supportive.

He just has to pass.

I prayed so hard for him to pass the last test and got so mad at God when he failed... Which isn't fair really... there's a reason for all of this, I just don't know what it is.
I mean, maybe this experience of us studying together is what we needed.
We're pretty effective when we work together, I think we've known that, but we've never done something like this before, studied together (he's 2 years younger so we were never in the same classes or anything) so this is a new experience... we're learning together.

I just pray to God this pays off and he can pass this test. It doesn't help that he's not a great test taker, has wicked test anxiety and blanks when he gets into the test mode... I pray to God that doesn't happen this time. He's going to be so prepared, I'm making sure of that, I just need him to be able to focus enough to pass it. 9 points, he just has to do 9 points better!! Please Lord, let these efforts work!

So.. I forgot I had a blog....

Maybe I didn't, actually... I just forgot to update it.
Welp, its June.... June is an interesting time for us. I know for some, my best friend in particular, its a tough month. She lost her father eight years ago and his birthday is in June, so is Father's Day... that isn't easy.
For us, our Anniversary is June 5th, so that's something to celebrate. Dad's birthday is the 9th, that's to celebrate. My Aunt Marsha's birthday would have been the 10th, that's sad. My niece's is the 14th, we had her party this weekend, which, despite me being sick sick sick, was fun. My gram's birthday would have been the 16th; she would have been 95 this year... i miss her a lot. So yeah, overall, a mixed bag of emotions in June.

Our Anniversar... I can't believe it has been 5 years and 15 that we've been together. Just is so weird how time passes like that. I've officially been with Ryan for half the time I've been alive. Who would have known that years ago when we were kissing on the beach of camp dennen or pouring out our souls on the benches of the chapel to each other, that we'd be celebrating 5 years of being married one day? And that we'd have a beautiful daughter as proof of our lasting and incredible love for each other. Really, I thought I loved him way back then. I thought, "this feeling is so strong, it just has to be love." And maybe it was, but the love I feel for him today, is so different. Its a love that has gotten us through so much together. So much. Some really shitty times that I thought would end what we had. Some really tough times that I thought the emotions and the strain it had on us would break us, but it didn't. I honestly think it is because our love is blessed by God; meaning God wanted us to be together, He was in charge of us getting together, meeting (through an incredible family) and staying together all these years.
We've certainly changed a lot in 15 years and not just in looks. Our outlooks on life, our thoughts on children (I didn't even know if I wanted any just 6 years ago), our political views, our opinions on random topics... we've changed so much as individuals and as a couple and yet, we're closer now than we ever have been.
I laugh every once in a while at how in sinc we are. More times than I can count, I'll have a song in my head at work and come home to hear Ryan singing it... or how he'll take out exactly what i was wanting for dinner before I even say anything. Or how he'll be sitting on the couch and I'll think, I'd love to go lay on the couch with my feet up on his lap, and as I walk over, he'll pat his legs for me to put my feet up on. We just fit. In every meaning of the phrase, we just fit.

So many people make me realize how blessed I am to have what we have together. A friend of mine who is single and just pretty lonely and miserable; she makes me realize that I am so blessed (I hope that doesn't sound awful, but seeing just how much she longs for a companion and children and at age 27 is afraid she will never find that makes me realize how blessed I am that I did.)
My Uncle who just lost his wife of like 40 years, certainly makes me realize how blessed we are. He makes me realize more though, how much I need to take each day for the gift that it is, appreciate all the ups and downs and love the fact that we're going through them together...
My best friend who spends so much time alone and praying for her military husband's safety. Although I completely respect and admire what he does, I really respect and admire the love she has for him and the sacrifice she must give for his job; she has a whole new perspective on life and helps those of us whose husbands don't have to leave for months at a time really apprecaite the nights we have with each other; and the little things... like I really appreciate how lucky I am that Ryan is going to come home in the afternoon and kill the spider I trapped under a cup... I have a feeling, the spider would get out of the cup if she had to wait until her hubby came home from overseas... so she has to do it herself. She helps me realize these things!
Other friends who have husbands but have so much money that they focus on the materialistic things they have more than they focus on their family... those friends make me glad I am living just among the poverty level. Because we don't have a ton of materialistic stuff to get in the way or to take our focus away from each other.
And... my parents... who even after 35 years of marriage and plenty of bumpy roads still keep the Lord the center of their marriage teach me every day that if we focus on God and our relationship with God, the rest will fall into place.

Wow, I just kept going there with my thoughts... And there are many thoughts in this head of mine! I think this is the way blogging is supposed to be... I wasn't thinking about anyone reading this at all, just more thinking about what I have been thinking about and putting it down "on paper"....
I like this...
I'll blog like this from now on...